When Self Compassion is Nauseating: understanding your physical response from an Internal Family Systems Point of View

We’ve all heard of self compassion these days. According to Kirstin Neff, pioneer in this field, self compassion is: "being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate."

Now take a moment to notice how you are feeling after reading that. The concept of "being warm and understanding with yourself" can evoke a range of reactions, some will feel interested, some hopeful, but for some, there can be an intense physical response: almost like “wanting to puke”. If that’s you: it’s crucial to recognize that this sense of discomfort is very important information and it holds significant meaning.

So, why the nausea? What is happening? When we have an immediate physical response to something it means your nervous system got activated, and for most of us, nausea, when its not related to something we ate, is a sure fire indicator that our fight or flight  (sympathetic) system got activated. And that means one thing: your nervous system interpreted the idea of being gentle with yourself as a threat. It may sound implausible, but here’s how it works. 

We all have an inner critic: which ( according to the Internasl Family Systems model) is a part of you. The critic operates on the belief that using harsh self-talk and rigid inflexible treatment is the best way to keep you safe. And inner critics can be very powerful parts on our systems, in fact, your inner critic might be so strong that even the suggestion of treating yourself differently feels threatening.

Understandably,if your inner critic is very strong, the idea of gentleness might make you feel queasy. It is threatening some of your basic operating systems. Inner critics come by their jobs honestly: treating yourself with kindness and compassion is a skill that is often not adequately modeled during childhood. As a result, learning to be gentle with yourself can be a gradual and tender journey. Embracing gentleness doesn't mean neglecting your responsibilities or excusing unhealthy behaviors. Instead, it involves slowly learning to treat yourself with kindness, and showing your inner critic that the world will not fall apart if you do so.

Start by acknowledging your inner critic's existence and its good intentions, after all it just wants to keep you safe. Approach it as one part among many rather than an all-encompassing part of yourself. This separation can help you diffuse the critic's harsh judgments and gradually introduce alternatives.

Remember, it can be a slow process, but being gentle with yourself is not a sign of weakness,indulgence or laziness but a demonstration of strength and self-love. It's about creating a nurturing environment within yourself, one that allows you to heal, grow, and thrive.